Your Distress is Irrelevant, and Good!
“The real [person] smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection.”
What is Distress?
OK, OK, that’s a controversial title, I agree. But, bare with me. This is important.
To be clear from the start, by “distress” I mean any psychological suffering we feel. We might feel psychological distress because:
We lost something we valued
Physical pain
Lack of a sense of purpose
We are experiencing certain thoughts or beliefs
Negative expectations
Painful memories
Not getting something we really wanted
And many more! And yes, distress is, by definition, difficult to endure. It hurts. It can lead us to despair, hopelessness, and thoughts of ending our lives, just so we can get away from it.
But, there’s a different way to look at distress, a way that can help to put suffering in it’s rightful place.
In What Way IS Distress is “Irrelevant” or “GOOD”?
1) Proportion:
I saw this image of our solar system the other day. It shows Voyager 1 and 2 on their long journey to the end of our solar system, and beyond.
As I looked at the image, I realised how our entire solar system is moving through galactic space (at an amazing 828,000 km/h to be exact). Then I looked into it, and found out that our galaxy is also travelling at incomprehensible speeds within the wider universe - at 2.1 million km/h! WOW!
Earth, a tiny speck within all of this, orbiting the sun at 107,000 km/h.
The impact on me was similar to what people speak of when they look up and view a clear night sky with a million stars, or when they look at nature, with it’s beautiful complexity. Basically, things were put into proportion. My personal trials and tribulations seemed less relevant within the grand splendour and magnificence of the wider universe. So, my partner didn’t give me exactly what I wanted when I felt vulnerable and it hurt - here I am, one person on a tiny planet hurtling through the universe at 2.1 million kilometres per hour, and I am ALIVE!
Within that realisation, my personal distress seemed less relevant. Other things became more important, like why am I here? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do in my brief time on this planet?
Which leads me to the point, which is that distress can be not only irrelevant, but good!
2) Purpose
Our normal view of distress is that it is bad, and should be avoided at all costs. But, there are other ways to see it.
For example, David Goggins, in the video linked here, talks about how suffering isn’t a bad thing. Suffering isn’t something to be avoided. I should be accepted as a consequence of a decision - a decision to grow and learn. If we want to grow, if we want to move forward in life, if we want to embrace our purpose, suffering and distress is a natural part of that. No distress? By numbing ourselves out with alcohol or distraction? Then, no growth.
Suffering, as hard as it is to sit with, is a great teacher.
It’s like someone getting into a swimming pool for the first time and trying to swim. The water is suffering. At first, we think we’re going to drown in it, and it’s all we can do to hold on to the edge and ease our panic, maybe even cry for help. But if we stick with it, we learn to remain calm. Perhaps with the help of a teacher or mentor, we can practise how to swim. For sure, as we learn, the water is a constant resistance to our every stroke, our every kick. It’s EXHAUSTING swimming in water when we’re learning, but if we stick with it, our muscles grow stronger, our stamina improves, our technique gets better. As we learn, we notice that if we relax, we can glide more! Soon, we’re able to swim multiple lengths of the pool, and not only that, we start to experience a new kind of serenity as we go. We enter flow, and not only does swimming cease to be distressing, it starts to feel wonderful! Water, suffering, has helped us develop a host of physical and psychological strengths that we could never have imagined if we’d simply tried to avoid getting in the pool.
So, consider suffering irrelevant. Even better, consider it good! Shrug it off. Face the obstacle. Allow the challenge to hone your body and mind.
3) Presence
Then, there’s a more spiritual approach to suffering, that, firstly, requires not just an acceptance of suffering, not just seeing the opportunity in it, but seeing sufferings as being as natural and inevitable as breath itself. Suffering is not something to be avoided at all, but accepted in the same way as we accept pleasure, as simply another sensation.
This is the Buddhist parable of The Two Arrows:
Sure, we will encounter suffering, such as the loss of a loved one, or a physical injury. That’s hard. But often these pains are increased many times over by our resistance to such distresses. For example, we tense up around a physical pain, wishing it away so strongly that it tenses our muscles even more, multiplying our pain. In the resistance, our minds too become filled with frustration and resentment. Likewise, to a relationship loss, we can worsen the natural grief we feel. Our beliefs, for example, that such losses should never happen, or, that loss is not right, or, that loss means some kind of personal failure in ourselves or life, can increase the pain of grief many times over, and even impact how we live the rest of our lives.
And of course, in trying to resist suffering, we seek out pleasurable sensations and distractions in order to soothe ourselves. In doing so, however, we can experience great pains when such pleasures are not forthcoming. This is the way of addiction.
All of this, to escape suffering, and the suffering we feel about suffering.
But, there is another way.
This other way is difficult, it has to be said, and one that requires commitment and training. It involves welcoming suffering as we would pleasure or more neutral sensations. We approach distress as just another sensation, as a sensation to be interested in and pay curious attention to, to be disinterested in and detached from - in this way, we might not become obsessed by our pains, or fixated on them. We can stop trying to suppress or avoid distress. In this way, we might come to calmly notice a pain here, and also, a pleasure there, accepting both with an increasing degree of serenity and equanimity.
This is the way of mindfulness and meditation, and is a lifelong spiritual journey! However, as we gain the skills to do this, much of the suffering caused by our resistance to suffering, drops way.
If you want to know more about the kind of awareness I’m talking about here, you might find another article I wrote on How to Pay Attention!
Working with Distress
So, the above describes three ways to re-frame distress as irrelevant and/or good.
We can put our suffering in proportion, which is, ultimately, so small in the universe as to border on irrelevant.
We can see the opportunity and purpose of suffering, how it teaches us and promotes personal growth.
Finally, we can develop a presence of mind, a welcome, that can reduce much of the suffering that comes from our understandable resistance to pain.