[VIDEO]: How to Make the Most of Relationship Conflicts - Series: Insights from The Chair
Transcript:
Something I see in myself, my friends, and in my client work is how when we find ourselves in recurrent relationship conflict one of the things that can be really helpful for us is to really fall back on an ancient decree, which is "Know Thyself". Because what I see in myself and in my friends and in my clients who are in relationship conflicts is those conflicts are often inviting us to see a part of ourselves that we're struggling to accept or see or own.
For example, it might be a relationship conflict bringing up a part in a person where they don't want to help their partner but they feel uncomfortable about that, so they do help their partner, but then they feel resentful and that causes conflict. And the more and more this conflict goes round and round the more and more they are confronted to see that there might be a part of themselves that doesn't want to do what their partner wants them to do.
Alternatively there might be a relationship conflict that's bringing up let me think - yeah okay, so there might be there might be another relationship conflict that's bringing up a part in us where we we are starting to understand or accept that our partners or people in general just can never make us happy and that it's on us to make us happy. But, we don't want to see that so we keep going at our partner to get them to make us happy because then we don't have to see this, this insight, this acceptance, that only we can make ourselves happy and therefore the conflict goes round and round because we keep getting [trying to get] our partner to make us happy and we keep trying not to see this part of ourselves that's coming up. So yeah, I guess when you're in... if you're in a recurrent relationship conflict... the way to really get into this particular idea is to start asking ourselves, you know, why am I - not what am I - doing - and not what are they doing - but why am I doing what I'm doing?
Why am I shouting? Why am I withdrawing? Why am I feeling sad? Why am I thinking they're an as***ole? Why am I thinking I'm an as***ole?
So, really getting into, like, what's really going on here, what's really happening for me, and what are my motivations, what's driving me at this point and deeper and deeper into that you will get closer and closer to this, to this part of you that you don't want to see, and you don't want to accept, and you don't want to own ... and that's the beauty of these relationship conflicts! That's the opportunity, the opportunity - the painful opportunity - because relationship conflict is painful - is to get to know ourselves more and to really own that part of ourselves that we're trying not to own and there's a big, deep value in that, there's the idea of becoming more whole, becoming more ourselves and finding that wisdom and knowledge in ourselves and often these parts that we're trying to keep away... often these parts that we're trying not to accept... have a really good skill to bring to our lives or a really big piece of wisdom to bring to our lives - that will make our lives better! we fear it but actually this is a strength that we're currently rejecting, it's a strength trying to come back to our system, and the sooner we own it the better. But, it's difficult and we have to go through something of a trial by fire to let that part in and that trial by fire is often very well represented in the relationship conflict - the fire of that fight - so yeah keep an eye out for that and let me know what you think!!
What Do You Think?
Feel free to add your thoughts in the comments?
Can you see opportunities for growth in relationship conflicts?
What might they be?
Have you ever learned something important through relationship conflict?
What Next?
Relationship conflicts can be a big challenge. Finding professional support can help. If you feel like therapy might be an option for you, you can contact me to set up a regular appointment, book a session with me now using my online scheduler (no wait).
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