What is Love?
“Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly and without expectation. We don’t love to be loved; we love to love.”
More Than A Feeling
When we talk about love, we often refer to a feeling. Maybe it’s that feeling we get when we look at a loved one, or a lover. Movies and books describe love as a feeling we “fall into”. The feeling is a desirable feeling, perhaps linked to a yearning - to be closer to the person we love, or to keep them safe, perhaps. Sometimes it’s linked to a desire to be happy, and the idea that if only we could “get” the person we love, and possess them, then we could finally feel good about life and ourselves.
“Love is not only something you feel, it is something you do.”
Love is an Action
So, maybe love is a feeling. Maybe it’s a satisfied desire. Maybe.
But, even if it is, can we call love “love” if it remains just a feeling, even a satisfied desire, without certain loving actions?
Take two “lovers” who are in a mutually abusive relationship. They throw things at each other, hit each other, manipulate and abuse each other. But, you also might hear them shouting: “I’m only doing this because I love you so much!!”
The same might happen in a family, with a parent telling their child they love them one minute, while treating them with distain the next.
Is that love? And if not, what is it? And if it’s something else, why do we so often call it “love”?
And if it is still love, what else is missing?
If it is still love, maybe love in itself is not always enough. Perhaps love calls for other actions in order to really flourish.
What Kind of Action is Love?
(Or, What Actions Does Love Call For?)
Well, actually, I want to ask you this question.
What kind of actions do you think love calls for?
What do you think love wants us to do?
What do you think love wants us not to do?
Let me know what you think in the comments below, or let me know by clicking reply to the tweet linked at the bottom of this article.
Still, It’s Complicated!
No doubt, when answering the questions above, we likely did so from the perspective of how love would like us to treat others.
But even here we can go too far trying to live a certain ideal of love.
For example, we might aim to be generous and giving in our relationship, and even do so without expecting anything in return. We don’t love to receive love, we simply love to love. But what if our partner’s actions aren’t loving towards us? What if they’re abusive? What if they disregard us?
Is it OK in this situation to say “what about me?”
For me, the answer is most certainly yes!
Love Includes You, And That Means Boundaries!
Even if we love the other person well, we still need to take into account how we are loving ourselves.
This of course involves treating ourselves in the same way we would like to treat others we love. This includes basic things, like eating enough, not intentionally hurting ourselves, but it includes who we let into our lives, or not.
If we don’t love ourselves, we run the risk of going too far in our love for another. We might sacrifice too much for them, including our mental health, dignity, or even our safety. We might think saying “yes” to loving them means saying “no” to our own self-worth.
But, if love applies to others, it also applies to us. It includes us. We might even say that we cannot love another until we truly love ourselves.
So, yes, love has boundaries. It’s OK to ask your partner for things, even ask them to change some of their behaviours for you, because you love them and you love yourself. To do both - to love another and yourself - sometimes that requires making requests, setting boundaries, even choosing to remove someone from your life.
Of course, for many reasons we might struggle to skilfully love others, or ourselves. Many of us, for many reasons, have lots of learning and growth to do in this area, and sometimes seeking support can help. Please, reach out if you think it might be useful.
What Do You Think?
What do you think love is?
What actions do you think love requires?
What do you think love asks us not to do?
Let me know in the comments below this article, or feel free to reply to this tweet:
If you liked this article and want to read more of my articles, feel free to explore my blog here, which has lots of articles on well-being, mental health, and other related topics.
You can also sign up to my Blog Newsletter to get updates on my new articles in the future, by filling in your email in the form below:
For more on love, and a particularly humorous exploration about how society has shaped our views on love, watch Alain de Botton here:
“The thing is that love gives us a ringside seat on somebody else’s flaws, so of course you’re gonna spot some things that kinda need to be mentioned. But often the romantic view is to say, ‘If you loved me, you wouldn’t criticise me.’ Actually, true love is often about trying to teach someone how to be the best version of themselves.”
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